Two years ago, I met a wonderful woman who helped me through the most difficult times of my life with cancer. A year later, we married. I became the luckiest man in the world. With this marriage, I was introduced to the most amazing people . A new son, a new daughter, 7 grandchildren and lots of in laws. Great people, and I am honored to be apart of such a wonderful family.
My beautiful step daughter which is a term we dont use but my daughter Lynda, has struggled because of situation of life. I have taken her as my daughter. My heart reaches out to her and the three children. I have supported her emotionally as well at times doing what I could to make life comfort for her. Sometimes we have serious talks and others just laughter. But her welfare is also on my mind. I want life to be good for her. Every time I visit her, when leaving, I always hug her and tell her I love her and am proud of her. She refuses to use the term step dad but only Dad. She is an amazing person.
Each time Sharon talks to her....each conversation ends with tell "MON PERE" I love him. At first I did not understand or passed it off, the part MON PERE. Lately I have been thinking of it. The term means "MY FATHER". So each night, she tells Sharon, tell MON PERE, I love him. She has a biological father...but she calls me MON PERE (MY FATHER). I wept this morning as I thought of this term. She and I have a close relationship. Something she has never had.
I look at this on the level as Our Heavenly Father. We came into a relationship, when I turned my heart to Him. I have had some great conversations, some deep rebukes, some lesson learners but a deep mutual relationship. A bonding has been formed. Jesus is MON PERE (My Father). Every day, and at the end of the day, I say MON PERE I love you.
Lynda, to you I say MON PERE loves you...you are the best. To Jesus I say MON PERE I love you...you are the best.
I want to apologize for not being diligent in being a blogger. The past month has been very busy with the ministry and other personal matters. So what I feel to talk on today goes along with this .
March 25, 2011 I stood in Dr. Koviski office in the Canton Cancer Centre. She told me I had cancer and if not dealt with, would have 2 years to live. I was stunned. Never thought I would hear those words. I had a great job, great seniority in the company, awesome bosses and people I worked with and customers that I a great relationship with. My plans was to work till 65 or longer and then come home with surround myself with family. I was a work alcoholic. 70 to 80hrs a week with great money being made. Had it made, in my opinion.. But on that day, at that moment, my world stopped. There was a pause it seemed for hours but was just a moment. "What do I do now" was the old question I knew to ask. My world has been hit with this news......confused...dazed...afraid....angry...my inner child screamed. Tears came like a flood gate had busted. Then to find out 1 week later I had 2 cancers...kidney cancer and also CLL. I did not know how to cope with. I went to the barber and told him to cut all of my hair off ...was trying to deal with this news. Had called my family and when at work I tried to hid it but it was obvious that something was wrong.
The next few weeks....changes began to take place. Things that I thought was important, was no longer important. Plans and goals faded. Material things became less important. My PRIORITES began to change. First there was what I call a baptism of love. Luke 10:27 ""You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." I remember that a baptism of love came over me. My focus on God was more important than my job or paycheck or material possessions. Prayer and His Word was a priority that had been replaced in the past by friends and joking and just the good old guy that was upbeat and nice to have around because of positive imput. The first and great commandment....concentrate on your relationship with God. Create an intimacy with the heavenly Father. Establish a relationship through the Grace of God. Not on my works or rules or guilt that is created by the Church World....but a relationship of joy with God's Grace that would develop a love relationship. I had governed my relationship with God through guilt driven emotions. Trying to please him with what others told me to do. But my priority became to have a relationship through love not guilt.
The second part was a kicker. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Hummmmm. It is easy to love someone that treats you well and returns love . But those that start rumors about you, those that talk about you behind your back, those that say mean things to your face, those that smile at you but have a dagger behind you. I got to love them....nooooooooooooooo in my world before. I dont know about you...but I did not like everyone I worked with ...for reasons that had no value. After the baptism, I remember going back to work and hugged all my fellow workers and asked them to forgive me if I had ever said or done anything wrong to them. Told them I loved them and wanted no hard feelings to separate our friendships. Our opinions about others really do not amount to anything. Everyone has their load to carry. Everyone was created different. Everyone one has opinions. Respect is a word needed. God wants us all to get along. Let people be who they are and just love them as I love myself. Reason why church splits..families dont get along....people have not spoken to one another for years. I can honestly say that today I stand before God with a love for everyone and no feelings of animosity.
To those that read this....what are your priorities in life? Mine are as follows God, my wife, my family and friends and Restoration Ministries. What a change from what it was. I feel purpose and that is to Love God with all and My Neighbor as myself.
I was talking to a great friend the other day and he has retired ... I asked him how he was doing. He felt alone. The wife response was she never liked the ministry....why was the question. Response was...never felt good enough for others of her peers. Felt alone. I was heart stricken and very heavy in my spirit as I tried to reach out to them with words of encouragement. The Body of Christ fails in this area to comfort such because of cliques and that have never reached to the approval level of those that have "made a name" of themselves.
During the time between age of 43 and 50..I experienced such. This is a universal human emotion. Has no single common cause. Loneliness causes one to feel empty, alone and unwanted. They crave human contact but often expect rejection. They feel that there are no real friends..just faces that pretend to be. No acceptance in society. Not satisfied with their life and no one understands them. Not accepted for their choices in life and people find it fun to criticize when they have no clue as to who they are. Often this state of mind can lead to depression.
I had found that I did not like who I was, and when with others...I was distracted from my ugliness but when the crowd was gone. The feeling of loneliness took over. A panic feeling would come on me. Alone in my apartment was the worst feeling. I would go to what they had back then..telephone chat lines...and talk with people that helped to fill the void. Behavior patterns would change in order to fill this void. I did not like me...and who I was...and needed to be distracted in order to survive. 7 years of this. I felt like Timothy in 2 Tim 4:16 "no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me" I found that I would get easily offended and misinterpret what people said as personal thing. Would be be in a crowd and all I could feel was I was the only odd person there. ALONE. ALONE. and lonely. Psalms 25:16 "Turn to me and have mercy on me, because I am lonely and hurting. My trouble have grown larger, free me..."
Things changed. I told my self enough is enough. I prayed and asked God for help. He touched my view of myself. I started to like who I was. Started to create an atmosphere of positive words and relaxed in my place in life. Realizing that giving is such a blessing....instead of waiting for someone to bring me hope. I did not need approval and acceptance. I liked me. Was it easy....no. But self worth.....did it.
To those that read this and are experiencing such a state...it is to you...I reach out in love. You are special and God has a purpose for you to fulfill. You are important to me. You are not alone, God is always with you..... Trust this helps those that read today, you are in my prayers.
On my journey...the time between my age of 43 to 50 was a very traumatic time for me. The rawness of my soul from my failures. The anger of not knowing who was a friend or an accuser. The frustration of what I had done to hurt myself , family and church people. I remember sitting in an apartment in Bangor, asking God, if there is a minister listening to you, give him the burden to call. I had teenage daughter devastated by her Dad,s actions and my wife at the time crushed by unfaithfulness in a marriage. I cried and cried...where are God,s children? Will someone come and minister to the hurting. If not to me, to my family members.
Moving to Detroit...thought there would be answers. One minister told me if he had a bat he would hit me with it for what I had done to my family. Another told me I could not talk to certain parts of the congregation as I had a spirit on me. Some wanted to cast demons out of me. The list goes on. Not that I did not deserve this....but this was the family of God. I was rarew in my spirit and heart....walls building up.....self esteem to the lowest. Then I turned my anger toward those that I thought was spiritual. To me the Pharisee attitude of self righteousness ruled. I had become to some a sermon illustration. I did not feel safe anywhere.
The definition of safe house is a place of refuge or safety for someone sought for or hurt. I needed to feel safe to trust people again. My wonderful brother Nathan took on that role from the goodness of his heart. Many a night we sat in his car and I would cry and vent anger and frustration. Nathan started to provide a safe mental environment that I could get all of that anger and hurt and name calling out , etc. He loved me. I imagine many times he must have thought.....oh may ....do I have to listen to this again. But Nathan is one that you could tell something to and he will never tell anyone else. A rare quality in the christian world.
There are many hurting in the church world that do not have a safe house to go to. What minister can go to someone when he or she is dealing with sins and open up want to feel safe to tell. Wondering if that person will run and tell someone else and want to clean the sin out the church world. A marriage that is being torn apart, a teenager pregnant and scared to tell parents, a wife abused by family members, child sexuality abused by family member, a person so depressed they cant lift their head from the pillow of life, a person that has no self esteem that hid behind closed doors, a child who does not why why their father or mother left them alone and cant find them and ...and ...and goes on. MY HEART AND SPIRIT CRIES FOR THEM AND I WEPT AS I WRITE THIS BLOG. In my life I have sat with these people. Put my arms around them and told them they was important to me.
To those reading this....I trust you can sense my heart and burden. We need a safe house for those hurting. Because .... they dont know who they can trust. I remember I saw a cat on the road when I was in Detroit and it has been hurt. I stopped and went to get the cat and was going to take it to get help. When I reached down to put him up.....he clawed at me and growled. I thought...what is wrong here...I am only trying to help. God spoke to me and told me a lesson. See the last person they saw had hurt them and to them I was just another person going to hurt them.
WOW....to you that are hurting and this is why we have started RESTORATION MINISTRIES (www.restorationministries.co) and why I felt lead to blog on my journey of life is. I want to provide a safe place for you to heal. I wept for those I know that are hurt. I want to take them and see them completing healing and restored in purpose of life.
You have a friend that loves you here.....your soul is more important than the offense that has happened to you. We are not interested in details and gossip. I want you to feel safe so the raw and tenderness of your heart can have complete fellowship with the Body again. You are special!
My journey has had some great people cross my pathway who have helped me to be restored in faith in my self and faith in God. One word that has always been in my world of caring is empathy. there is a vast difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is understanding what someone else is feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes. It is show and identify with another's feelings. Emotionally put yourself in the place of another. Sympathy is acknowledging a person's emotional hardships and providing comfort and assurance. For example if you have never put your hand in a flame . you will never know the pain of fire. If you have not experienced sexual passion, you will never understand its power. If you never felt rebellious or defiant, you will never understand these feelings. I could list more and more ...empathy places you in a person,s emotional state and with understanding want to see them whole again and restored. I think a statement once was said "Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes." People are hurting all over our worlds. Divorce, physical abuse, verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, death, rejection, self esteem and the list goes on and on. Living in Detroit for 20 years, I saw hurt and pain on each face I met. Empathy would grip my spirit as I felt their situation and walked with them emotionally. And I often heard ...no one cares for what I am going through.
I remember my customers... I took the time and listened to their situation. One had his mother die, I sat and cried with him. Another was going through a situation that he just caught his wife cheating on him...I stand and listened as tears ran down my face...feeling his pain. Another a rebellious child....a parent dont know what to do....I sat and listened...and put my arms arounds them telling them...it is going to work out. And the list goes on.
While I was struggling in Detroit over my past and failures. Two men besides my family members called me on a regular basis...a Pastor from Juniper, N.B. and a great friend from Harvey N.B. telling me you are a wonderful person and encouraged me that things would get better. Never criticized and joined the crowd of critics but had empathy and we would weep together. I SO appreciate those two men and have great respect for them.
On a daily basis, we meet hurting people Do we give them a smile, a pat on the back, tell them they are the best cause we never know what they are going through. Their smile covers pain. Empathy is needed. Gal 6:1...talks about spirit of meekness. A rare fruit of spirit in this world. I don't rejoice in peoples failures, I don't rejoice in individual short comings. My heart goes out to the hurting. As I write this...my heart is heavy for those I know are hurting. I feel your pain to those reading this. Lately I have awaken in the middle of night and prayed with tears flowing down my face as I felt pain and hurt.. You are so important to me and God.
To those that read this as I have prayed over this blog..trust this is encouragement. I want to say you have a friend here that cares and reach out to you. If I in any way can show my heart of compassion to you....I reach now. My life is a transparent book and I open it to you. Cause some one had empathy I am restored...to you I reach out. Send me a note (mmyjourney@yahoo.ca)....or call....I have sat where you sit.
The future is bright. Days of hope are coming.....my line is never busy.
We have all heard the expression "Everyone has a past". True statement. That past consist of good memories and bad memories. Good choices and bad choices. Actions that have consequences that reflect on character at times. Addictive behavior, abusive relationships, divorce, unlawful behavior and the list goes on. And people often associate the past to present when relating to the person today. One of my greatest battles I had on my journey has been my past. My past failures and decisions....my past actions and consequences. They have followed me to the point that I could not go ahead in life.
A failure in my ministry and a failed marriage had left scars on the victims and myself. I was haunted by this on a daily basis. I would awake at night and hear voice of my daughter begging me when she was a teenager to come home . Hear the voices of those in the Church world that I had hurt through my indiscretion. When I would try to go ahead ....the past would come before me. Never felt I was worthy to do anything for God or even be consider as any good. Always felt that when my name was brought up...the only thing people thought of was my past failures. And sometimes I was reminded of this by individuals that judgmental in heart.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do ...is to forgive ourselves. Failure can either be a steeping stone to stronger character or be the cage we live in on a daily basis.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH was a decision I made awhile back. My daughter wrote me a letter a few years ago and told me that was a captive to my past and need to let go and do something for God. Others encouraged me. I had to make a decision. Paul wrote in Philippians 3:13 " ...forgetting those things which are behind me and reaching forward to those things which are ahead."
Two things have to be done ..I have discovered (1) Let Go. Be released from all negative thoughts and feelings and run to Grace and let God insert His Word and Love. (2) Remove the past from your future. God says what are you talking about when the past is brought up. He sees me as His child with a future.
Today I am free. I dont remember my past. My future is in Christ. I am preparing now to go into ministry and feel worthy of such because of Christ....my hope of glory.
To all those that are battling their past....let go....the future is so much better and promising. Run in freedom and enjoy yourself. . God bless you and may your journey be full of freedom and blessings from this day forth.
My journey.. since childhood has been battling with low self esteem. I remember as a child that I always felt like a misfit in school and never felt worthy of praise. Even into adulthood this state of mind followed me. It is connected to depression. Lost confidence and many negative messages was to to the found of my self image. Felt worthless and would work extremely hard to please everyone. Even when I was in the ministry I battled this continually. Felt like I was always a disappointment to people and could never live up to what people excepted of me. Rules in the Church world also added to my low self esteem ..knowing that I may never be able to keep up to the rules and when I failed.. would be punished. Most of all I felt I could never please God. I would continually beg God to forgive me. A failed marriage and a failure in my ministry added to this state of mind also. Depression continually knocked on my mind also. It got to the point that I felt I was so bad and going to hell anyway that I took on addictive behaviors. I started to go to a Christian counselor in my late forties and I remember him telling me "Norm while you are sinning..God is sitting on your shoulder and saying I am here and will be here when you are done sinning. He kept telling me God loves you....session after session. I could not believe it. Trying to think and comprehend that God would love me after all my faults and mistakes. No one will ever know the struggle until they have been there. Somewhere along the way...the lies come to an end when I realized "I am God's workmanship, created in Christ unto good works." (Ephesians 2:10). I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7) I am a new creature in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17) It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20) Those endless tormenting night came to end. Fear of failure started to subdue and I started to think I am OK. God loves us unconditionally. I am so overwhelmed with God's love now. My heart and soul leaps with joy. To those that read this and battle this issue. I am here to tell you...YOU ARE LOVED. Walk tall. Don't fear. You are special. You ask "Do you battle low self esteem still?" I do at times but it is seconds instead of days. The moment it tries to march in....I rebuke and speak positive thoughts in my soul. I am so thankful for the healing. Be strong my friends!
Late afternoon July 27, 1951 my journey started in the arena of life. 61 years later I am still on that journey. Seasons and experiences have molded me to be who I am today. Feeling lead to share some of my experiences..hoping that they may be of help and encouragement to all that read. Each week...after prayerful thought...I will share. God has been good to me.
