I was talking to a great friend the other day and he has retired ... I asked him how he was doing. He felt alone. The wife response was she never liked the ministry....why was the question. Response was...never felt good enough for others of her peers. Felt alone. I was heart stricken and very heavy in my spirit as I tried to reach out to them with words of encouragement. The Body of Christ fails in this area to comfort such because of cliques and that have never reached to the approval level of those that have "made a name" of themselves.
During the time between age of 43 and 50..I experienced such. This is a universal human emotion. Has no single common cause. Loneliness causes one to feel empty, alone and unwanted. They crave human contact but often expect rejection. They feel that there are no real friends..just faces that pretend to be. No acceptance in society. Not satisfied with their life and no one understands them. Not accepted for their choices in life and people find it fun to criticize when they have no clue as to who they are. Often this state of mind can lead to depression.
I had found that I did not like who I was, and when with others...I was distracted from my ugliness but when the crowd was gone. The feeling of loneliness took over. A panic feeling would come on me. Alone in my apartment was the worst feeling. I would go to what they had back then..telephone chat lines...and talk with people that helped to fill the void. Behavior patterns would change in order to fill this void. I did not like me...and who I was...and needed to be distracted in order to survive. 7 years of this. I felt like Timothy in 2 Tim 4:16 "no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me" I found that I would get easily offended and misinterpret what people said as personal thing. Would be be in a crowd and all I could feel was I was the only odd person there. ALONE. ALONE. and lonely. Psalms 25:16 "Turn to me and have mercy on me, because I am lonely and hurting. My trouble have grown larger, free me..."
Things changed. I told my self enough is enough. I prayed and asked God for help. He touched my view of myself. I started to like who I was. Started to create an atmosphere of positive words and relaxed in my place in life. Realizing that giving is such a blessing....instead of waiting for someone to bring me hope. I did not need approval and acceptance. I liked me. Was it easy....no. But self worth.....did it.
To those that read this and are experiencing such a state...it is to you...I reach out in love. You are special and God has a purpose for you to fulfill. You are important to me. You are not alone, God is always with you..... Trust this helps those that read today, you are in my prayers.
On my journey...the time between my age of 43 to 50 was a very traumatic time for me. The rawness of my soul from my failures. The anger of not knowing who was a friend or an accuser. The frustration of what I had done to hurt myself , family and church people. I remember sitting in an apartment in Bangor, asking God, if there is a minister listening to you, give him the burden to call. I had teenage daughter devastated by her Dad,s actions and my wife at the time crushed by unfaithfulness in a marriage. I cried and cried...where are God,s children? Will someone come and minister to the hurting. If not to me, to my family members.
Moving to Detroit...thought there would be answers. One minister told me if he had a bat he would hit me with it for what I had done to my family. Another told me I could not talk to certain parts of the congregation as I had a spirit on me. Some wanted to cast demons out of me. The list goes on. Not that I did not deserve this....but this was the family of God. I was rarew in my spirit and heart....walls building up.....self esteem to the lowest. Then I turned my anger toward those that I thought was spiritual. To me the Pharisee attitude of self righteousness ruled. I had become to some a sermon illustration. I did not feel safe anywhere.
The definition of safe house is a place of refuge or safety for someone sought for or hurt. I needed to feel safe to trust people again. My wonderful brother Nathan took on that role from the goodness of his heart. Many a night we sat in his car and I would cry and vent anger and frustration. Nathan started to provide a safe mental environment that I could get all of that anger and hurt and name calling out , etc. He loved me. I imagine many times he must have thought.....oh may ....do I have to listen to this again. But Nathan is one that you could tell something to and he will never tell anyone else. A rare quality in the christian world.
There are many hurting in the church world that do not have a safe house to go to. What minister can go to someone when he or she is dealing with sins and open up want to feel safe to tell. Wondering if that person will run and tell someone else and want to clean the sin out the church world. A marriage that is being torn apart, a teenager pregnant and scared to tell parents, a wife abused by family members, child sexuality abused by family member, a person so depressed they cant lift their head from the pillow of life, a person that has no self esteem that hid behind closed doors, a child who does not why why their father or mother left them alone and cant find them and ...and ...and goes on. MY HEART AND SPIRIT CRIES FOR THEM AND I WEPT AS I WRITE THIS BLOG. In my life I have sat with these people. Put my arms around them and told them they was important to me.
To those reading this....I trust you can sense my heart and burden. We need a safe house for those hurting. Because .... they dont know who they can trust. I remember I saw a cat on the road when I was in Detroit and it has been hurt. I stopped and went to get the cat and was going to take it to get help. When I reached down to put him up.....he clawed at me and growled. I thought...what is wrong here...I am only trying to help. God spoke to me and told me a lesson. See the last person they saw had hurt them and to them I was just another person going to hurt them.
WOW....to you that are hurting and this is why we have started RESTORATION MINISTRIES (www.restorationministries.co) and why I felt lead to blog on my journey of life is. I want to provide a safe place for you to heal. I wept for those I know that are hurt. I want to take them and see them completing healing and restored in purpose of life.
You have a friend that loves you here.....your soul is more important than the offense that has happened to you. We are not interested in details and gossip. I want you to feel safe so the raw and tenderness of your heart can have complete fellowship with the Body again. You are special!
