Mostly all of my childhood and teenager years, I was a loner. Most of it was caused by no self esteem and school bullying. I would spend most of my time alone and my weekends would be reading and playing around with electronics. I never wanted to face people. It was so difficult to do things in Church because of my shyness. As I grow older, I learned to hide my emotions. I just became a person behind the mask. I think this was a movie called Man Behind the Mask. I would give an impression of being a happy go lucky person and would also be smiling and joking. My emotions of guilt, hurt, frustrations, thoughts, etc. I hide behind a mask. I never wanted anyone to see that part of me. I was always asked, "Don't you ever have things that bother you." The answer was always a laugh or joke. I had to keep my image of a religious young person that immortal thoughts and deeds never was in my life or ever want to venture into other avenues of life. I remember we could not play on the hockey team (loved hockey). We could not gym on a co ed basis because lust would come and etc....alot of strange ideas we was thought. Legalism did a number on us young people. We had to have an image of being this great Christian and did not dare tell our opinions. So we had to be a person behind a mask.
I would struggle with things in my ministry. Had to be this great that everyone looked up and all the time I was dealing with issues. Could not talk to anyone...cause who could you trust...and if you did you would worry what will they think of me. So I hid behind a mask to impress people.
Oh the struggle... so overwhelming. I struggled and struggled. Pain roared in my mind. But no one knew. I was scared and in secure of what would happen if people really knew me. After my failures, for so many years I covered up who I was. Noted for being strong in adversity. Known for reaching out to those hurt with life. I had so much empathy for the outcast. All I could see was ME in each situation. I lived behind a mask. Was not truthful to people when asked how I was. I had hidden sins that was driving me crazy. So I lived behind a mask. Addictions came on ..... trying to hid the pain. As I write this, my spirit weeps, I look in faces of people everyday....they have their mask on but I see beyond their outward appearance. Pain, guilt, shame, fear, is seen in my spirit. I want to reach out and love them to pieces. They don't have to be a person behind a mask. It was alright in a crowd at a bar or in a group of men at work. I remember so one asked me ....wasn't you a preacher once. I denied it and acted tough. I had a mask on.
I got tired of this struggle one day. Opened up to someone that I trusted with fear, but did not care anymore of what anyone thought. What a relief, as my tears began to wash on my guilt and struggles and that person prayed over me, I felt free. I took the mask off and saw who I was. I was a child of God. Grace of God carried me to a beautiful place of if one does wrong, just ask God to forgive you and help you. Such freedom. What joy.
