PERSON BEHIND THE MASK

Mostly all of my childhood and teenager years, I was a loner.  Most of it was caused by no self esteem and school bullying.  I would spend most of my time alone and my weekends would be reading and playing around with electronics.  I never wanted to face people.  It was so difficult to do things in Church because of my shyness.  As I grow older, I learned to hide my emotions.  I just became a person behind the mask.  I think this was a movie called Man Behind the Mask.  I would give an impression of being a happy go lucky person and would also be smiling and joking.  My emotions of guilt, hurt, frustrations, thoughts, etc. I hide behind a mask.  I never wanted anyone to see that part of me.  I was always asked, "Don't you ever have things that bother you."  The answer was always a laugh or joke.  I had to keep my image of a religious young person that immortal thoughts and deeds never was in my life or ever want to venture into other avenues of life.  I remember we could not play on the hockey team (loved hockey).  We could not gym on a co ed basis because lust would come and etc....alot of  strange ideas we was thought.   Legalism did a number on us young people.  We had to have an image of being this great Christian and did not dare tell our opinions.  So we had to be a person behind a mask.

I would struggle with things in my ministry.  Had to be this great  that everyone looked up and all the time I was dealing with issues.  Could not talk to anyone...cause who could you trust...and if you did you would worry what will they think of me.  So I hid behind a mask to impress people.

Oh the struggle... so overwhelming.  I struggled and struggled.  Pain roared in my mind.  But no one knew.  I was scared and in secure of what would happen if people really knew me.  After my failures, for so many years I covered up who I was.  Noted for being strong in adversity.  Known for reaching out to those  hurt with life.  I had so much empathy for the outcast.  All I could see was ME in each situation.  I lived behind a mask.  Was not truthful to people when asked how I was.  I had hidden sins that was driving me crazy.  So I lived behind a mask.  Addictions came on ..... trying to hid the pain.  As I write this, my spirit weeps, I look in faces of people everyday....they have their mask on but I see beyond their outward appearance.  Pain, guilt, shame, fear, is seen in my spirit.  I want to reach out and love them to pieces.  They don't have to be a person behind a mask.  It was alright in a crowd at a bar or in a group of men at work.  I remember so one asked me ....wasn't you a preacher once.  I denied it and acted tough.  I had a mask on.

I got tired of this struggle one day.  Opened up to someone that I trusted with fear, but did not care anymore of what anyone thought.  What a relief,  as my tears began to wash on my guilt and struggles and that person prayed over me, I felt free.  I took the mask off and saw who I was.  I was a child of God.  Grace of God carried me to a beautiful place of if one does wrong,  just ask God to forgive you and help you.  Such freedom.  What joy.