My journey.. since childhood has been battling with low self esteem. I remember as a child that I always felt like a misfit in school and never felt worthy of praise. Even into adulthood this state of mind followed me. It is connected to depression. Lost confidence and many negative messages was to to the found of my self image. Felt worthless and would work extremely hard to please everyone. Even when I was in the ministry I battled this continually. Felt like I was always a disappointment to people and could never live up to what people excepted of me. Rules in the Church world also added to my low self esteem ..knowing that I may never be able to keep up to the rules and when I failed.. would be punished. Most of all I felt I could never please God. I would continually beg God to forgive me. A failed marriage and a failure in my ministry added to this state of mind also. Depression continually knocked on my mind also. It got to the point that I felt I was so bad and going to hell anyway that I took on addictive behaviors.
I started to go to a Christian counselor in my late forties and I remember him telling me "Norm while you are sinning..God is sitting on your shoulder and saying I am here and will be here when you are done sinning. He kept telling me God loves you....session after session. I could not believe it. Trying to think and comprehend that God would love me after all my faults and mistakes. No one will ever know the struggle until they have been there.
Somewhere along the way...the lies come to an end when I realized "I am God's workmanship, created in Christ unto good works." (Ephesians 2:10). I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7) I am a new creature in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17) It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20)
Those endless tormenting night came to end. Fear of failure started to subdue and I started to think I am OK. God loves us unconditionally. I am so overwhelmed with God's love now. My heart and soul leaps with joy.
To those that read this and battle this issue. I am here to tell you...YOU ARE LOVED. Walk tall. Don't fear. You are special. You ask "Do you battle low self esteem still?" I do at times but it is seconds instead of days. The moment it tries to march in....I rebuke and speak positive thoughts in my soul. I am so thankful for the healing. Be strong my friends!
Thank you for being so transparent and for your willingness to address an issue that is very common among Christians who have grown up in a toxic faith, works oriented spiritual environment.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful I discovered the insight you have shared here while still in Bible college. I will never forget the revelation of grace I received while sitting under the teaching of Bro. Wickens as he shared lessons on the state and standing of the believer. This teaching truly set me free from the low self-esteem and bondage I had as a result of being raised in an extremely legalistic church.
I recall going home at Christmas my fisrt yearat college and walking into the business of Christian man I used to work for, and saying to him, "Guess what Bill? I'm saved!" i knew this to be true for the first time in my life and how grateful I am that I discovered this while I was still a young man, and before I began my ministry.